Essay #1 (posted 3/5/2008)
I begin in reflecting back to when I was a child, captivated by the lifestyle of the glamorous older guys before me, who held down the corners. Their lifestyle of selling drugs, having the cars, money, nice clothes and the respect of both men and women grasp my attention, creating within me the desire to have it. Therefore, I told myself, I want that, I must go after it. Thus, taking the necessary actions to become the reflection of my surroundings. Lost, without identity of self, I sought to reflect their identity, having no knowledge of the value of my own life, I took risks. Caught in becoming a reflection of those before me to the point, I lost being me, only to settle for becoming a copy. Groomed to honor the Code of the Streets, and yet dishonor; my parents, which led me down the pathway of learning the hard way. Selling drugs, banging, being what was defined as cool and respected. The game really bares the appearance of being easy, which in reality, it’s not. And it may look good, at the end, it’s not. Being loyal to a system that shook my hand with disloyalty. Caught by it, I glorified that which at the end brought me shame. At this moment, I been absent out of my child’s life for eight years. Making a sacrifice with my life for the game. Yet another man is now rearing my daughter as I speak. While I, on the other hand, is distant from her, longing to be present and active in her development from a baby girl, to a young lady. Nevertheless, at this moment, I’m not, and it hurts. Literally, it is not a good feeling. It’s like being shook by disappointment and embarrassment along with the feeling of regret coupled with pain.
Nevertheless, I promoted the same lifestyle of those before me, by becoming it. Making it look good. I can’t lie, it feels good to be respected, have nice clothes, cars, women and etc. But the right action must be taken to obtain such. However, due to my ignorance of the risk I was taking and the lack of understanding of the value of my life and freedom of it, I made decisions that were life threatening. How? Instead of reasoning properly, I responded by what I was taught and raised around, violence, which appears to be most respected. Driven by pride, coupled with the thought of maintaining my reputation and respect, I resolve Matter(?) Unwisely or foolishly per say. Lacking the ability to control my emotions in order to think the situation out, I subjected myself to becoming a slave of circumstances, ultimately becoming a statistic. A failure of thinking. Therefore, there must be a system to teach proper education on controlling anger, pride, etc., in order to make wise decisions. And know that there is nothing in the world worth losing your life or freedom over than the act of protecting it. Consider the fact that just because violence or the mannerisms of the Street life appears to be good, don’t necessary mean it’s good. Nor because many are doing something or it’s the norm, don’t necessary justify you or I to do it. Let’s be different. Be who we are, unique in our own way and let’s be comfortable in being different. Most importantly, reason matters out until the ultimate sum is that which is best for you and your well being and the maintaining of it. In closing, know that I don’t come as a preacher or as an element of reproof. I come as I am, an example of what will happen if you make the same choices I made. Therefore, I challenge you, think it through. You know the fish is caught and killed by its appetite for bait, and the mice is caught and killed by its appetite for the cheese or peanut butter. Not by the ability to reason, why is the food on a hook? Or why is the cheese or peanut butter sat on a trap? Think about it! For I leave you with these words… Think it through and value your life and the freedom of it to the fullest.
Filed under: Writing by Prisoners |